Fully Faltu : Whatever Faltu is Here

Science is Science, Don't Challenge it

2010-06-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow Really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter is gettin' screwwed by three guys at the same time and having urinary infection. Put her on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.

4. Your wife is pregnnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And basstard ... if you don't stop jerking off, Your elbow will never get better!!!!!!

Someone's Coming

2010-06-18T01:36:00.001-07:00

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.

Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window. It was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"

And this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"

And the dwarfs said "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.".....

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Humping Dog

2010-06-16T00:51:00.001-07:00

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the Poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."

The Poodle asks, "So she brought you here to put to sleep?"

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Sunday School

2010-05-25T11:09:00.001-07:00

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming! I'm coming!' and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

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Blow Up

2010-05-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go relieve himself. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.

The barkeeper approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus Christ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

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Pussy and Bitch

2010-05-12T10:20:00.001-07:00

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.

He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him, "Pussy and bitch."

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle......

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The Intern

2010-04-27T09:37:00.001-07:00

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working in.

He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a thing out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."

"Oh, I see," says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with that?"

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan.".....

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Doggy Style

2010-03-31T10:12:00.000-07:00

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door.

He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"

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Magical Vibrator

2010-03-23T12:47:00.001-07:00

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

Licker License

2010-03-15T09:38:00.001-07:00

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... the bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Duh," says the blonde, "He has a licker license!"

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The Duck Story

2010-03-10T10:07:00.001-08:00

There was a man who had three sons.

He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said 'Ok'. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again. The boy agreed.

While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said 'I'm so sorry I killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said 'I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.

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What to wear ?

2010-03-08T07:49:00.001-08:00

What to wear today?

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Hooker Wife

2010-02-26T12:19:00.000-08:00

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.

He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.

She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

The Old Soldier

2010-02-19T08:04:00.001-08:00

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, Toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we have had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we have jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch, "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!".....

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The Midget

2010-02-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him. A minute later, there was a loud scream.

The madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room.

Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, totally nude, with a three foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.

The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure to say, "Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We've never seen anything like that before."

The midget sighed, "Okay honey, but only touching. No sucking - I used to be six feet tall.".....

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Wives are Funny Creatures

2010-02-06T11:44:00.001-08:00

Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.

............ ......... ......... ......... .....

Pappu meets his father in red light area.
Pappu: Papa aap yahan?
Father: Bus beta ab 200-300 Rs ki cheez k liye teri maa k nakhre nahi sahe jate.

............ ......... ......... ......... .....

A man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman).
The judge saidI havn't seen such disgusting case in 20 years. Can you give me one good reason why you did it?
Man: I can give 3 reasons.It's non of ur businessshe was my wife and I didn't know she was dead as she always acted like that.

............ ......... ......... ......... .....

Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?
Girl: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.

A Blonde and Her Dog

2010-01-27T09:32:00.001-08:00

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'.....

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Perfect Breasts

2010-01-26T07:08:00.001-08:00

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?"

So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?"

She thinks a bit, "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off her top to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!".....

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A Man's Sexual Anatomy Analysed

2009-12-31T13:37:00.001-08:00

A research group at the University of Western Ontario conducted a study to determine why the head of a penis is larger than the shaft. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, during months of research, they concluded that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft, to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Scientists at the Queen's University questioned the findings and proceeded with their own study. After spending thousands of dollars, and after weeks of research, they concluded that head of penis is larger than the shaft, to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The research staff at the University of Waterloo thought both studies were incorrect. Spending twenty dollars for three days of research, they determined that the head of a penis is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!

Senior Dating

2009-12-31T13:37:00.000-08:00

Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.

Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

A Misunderstanding ...

2009-12-18T11:00:00.001-08:00

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'.....

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Up or Down

2009-12-14T08:34:00.001-08:00

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown........

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A Man's Sexual Anatomy Analysed

2009-09-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

Another Hard Roll

2009-09-19T16:39:00.001-07:00

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, and then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

The New Secretary

2009-09-11T13:25:00.001-07:00

Recently Mr. Paul got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, the new secretary noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she mentioned, "Mr. Paul, your barracks door is open."

Mr. Paul did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Wine Maker

2009-09-06T10:13:00.001-07:00

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

Lady Lost her Panties

2009-08-17T14:36:00.001-07:00

A lady who lost 3 panties in her house, blamed the maid in front of her husband.

The maid replied: Sir, you know na, I don't wear panties !!!!!

Senior Dating

2009-08-13T15:58:00.001-07:00

Bonus Payments

2009-08-12T12:02:00.001-07:00

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring!!"

No Sex !!

2009-08-10T11:01:00.001-07:00

A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consecutive nights.

Boy to his friend, "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."

Friend asks him, "Only this much? Why?

Boy Replies, "Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her."

Boy further tells his friend, "Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."

Friend again asked him, "Really? That's all?

Boy Replies, "Yeah. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".

Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masturbated and we came back immediately."

Friend shockingly asks him, "No sex with her at all? Why?"

Boy replies, "Yeah. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"

What a coincidence!

2009-08-08T12:20:00.001-07:00

Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

Funny SMS Question and Answers

2009-07-31T12:49:00.001-07:00

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.

* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbor, then it is sociology.

Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

* Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......

* Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"

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Vasim Bhai Paani Lao... .......................:)

2009-07-11T14:50:00.001-07:00

Ek din ek lady shop se parrot kharidne gyi....

Usne dukandar se kaha vasim bhai ek tota chahaiye....

Dukandar ne use ek tota dikaya...

Lady ne pucha is tote ki khas bat kya hai vasim bhai...

Dukan dar bola ye tota bolta hai

Lady ne kaha acha..

Usne tote se pucha main tumhe kaisi lagti huin

"Bahen ki laudi randi lagti hai" tote ne kaha.

Lady ne kaha vasim bhai ye to bhut badtamij tota hai gali deta hai.

Vasim bhai use ander le gya aur pani me dubaya aur pucha...

Gali dega...

Tota. Haan dunga

Vasim ..phir dubaya aur pucha .gali dega"

Tota... haan dunga....

Vasim ne phir pani me dubaya aur kaha .gali dega..

Is bar tota maan gaya aur kaha nhi dunga bhai nhi dunga,,,,,

Vo use bahar le gya aur lady se kaha ye ab gali nhi dega..

Tab lady ne usse pucha ...

Agr mere ghar pr mere sath ek aadmi aye to tum kya sochoge.

Tote ne kaha..ki tumhara pati hoga..

Lady..agr do aadmi aye to kya.

Tota.tumhara pati aur devar,

Lady.agr tin aadmi ..

Tota.tumhara pati ,devar,aur bhayiya.

Lady ...agr char aadmi aye to...

Tota.....

.,vasim bhai pani lao...

Maine to pehle hi kaha tha ki

"behen ki laudi randi hai".

Mother Nature

2009-07-10T12:15:00.001-07:00

Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole.

So, the first guy looks and looks and finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. So he promptly pulls out his seven iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.

Finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and goes back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey! This is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

Confounded Sex

2009-06-13T12:17:00.001-07:00

A man was in a terrible accident at home and his penis was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his member, but that he was not covered by insurance at work, nor the Government insurance and his private health insurance wouldn't cover the surgery as, luckily, he was not incontinent and with his testes intact he would not suffer premature hypogonadism and, as he had a vasectomy the operation would not be considered a medical necessity, but "cosmetic".

The doctor said that the cost would be $5000 for "small", $7500 for "medium", and $10,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Vaseline for Sex!

2009-06-12T12:05:00.001-07:00

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Sex in the Dark

2009-06-10T11:23:00.001-07:00

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

Miniscule Erection

2009-05-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

A young man told his doctor that he was very embarrassed about the size of this penis and that potential sexual partners laughed at him.

On examination, the willie certainly was weenie. The doctor established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs.

He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner's hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.

The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn't matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.

That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment… the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.

In the dark she whispered, "No thanks, I don't smoke!"

Bachcha Kiska ??

2009-05-20T07:43:00.001-07:00

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to Husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.

Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?"

Yeh sunke...Wife replied : "Judge sahab...bartan mera...dudh bhi mera...aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 bunde daalne se dahi bana tu fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do bund dalane vale ka"

Husband replied : "Typewriter mein kagaz maine dala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat maine ki, fir chithi kiski? typewriter ki ya meri?"

Frustrated Judge: "Agar tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki naubat hi na aati." :)

Dosti Mein Daraar

2009-05-16T14:09:00.001-07:00

After marriage, ek baar Ramu ka ex-roommate Shamu uske ghar usse Milne Aata hai.Ramu and his beautiful bride Situ really took care of Shamu.

He decided to stay there for the night. So, Ramu setup a dari and bedsheet for him on the verandah floor.

At this Shamu retorted, "khud bistar par aur mujhe zamin par? Lagta hai dosti main daraar aa gayi hai!"

So, Ramu pacified him and setup a bed for him.

Shamu again retorted , "khud andar aur mujhe bahar? Lagta hai dosti main daraar aa gayi hai!"

Ramu felt bad and set Shamu's bed in the drawing room.

Shamu objected, "khud andar ac room main aur mujhe bahar garmi main? Ek waqt tha ki ham donon sote the ek hi kamre main!"!

Ramu said that he was a married man now but Shamu again said, "lagta hai dosti main daraar aa gayi hai!"

Ramu's bedroom could accomodate only a bed and a sofa, so Ramu setup Shamu in his bedroom on the sofa where the ac was fitted.

After some time, Shamu woke up Ramu and said that he was uncomfortable on the lumpy sofa.

At this, Ramu was very irritated and said, Hadd ho gayi yaar!! A line has to be drawn somewhere!"

Shamu said, "Bas kya!! tu shadi ke baad ek dam badal gaya hai.lagta hai dosti main daraar aa gayi hai!"

Ramu, the good soul that he was, relented and let Shamu sleep on the bed. His wife slept on the left side of the bed, himself in between and Shamu on the right.

After some time Shamu again complained that he wanted to sleep in the middle of the bed as he kept falling off the bed when he changed sides.

Ramu wailed, "This is too much, yaar! There is a limit to everything..."

Shamu became very emotional and said, "Bas kya, you don't trust ME?!? lagta hai dosti main definitely daraar aa gayi hai!"

Finally, good old Ramu gave in again, and let him old pesty pal sleep between him and his wife.

In the morning, Shamu told Ramu, "Yaar, your wife is a very chalu lady. She held my tool all through the night !!!"

Ramu quietly replied "That was me, and not my wife. I just had to do it!"

"NAHI TO DARAAR ME DOSTI CHALI JAATI !!!!*

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Medical Concern

2009-05-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

An elderly couple come in for a physical.

After the physical examination the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"I'm certain that I do," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

Honeymoon Moments

2009-05-13T11:45:00.001-07:00

Two newlyweds went to their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured.

"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio. It only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles. It only effects the knees."

When he removed his underpants his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me ….. you also had smallcox!"

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The Pharmacist

2009-05-12T13:14:00.001-07:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

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Gotta Pee

2009-05-11T11:00:00.001-07:00

A woman and her 5 year old son were travelling in a metro. The boy was pestering his mum to bring him to the toilet.

His mum whispered to him to hold. He reluctantly obeyed. After another station, he started begging to visit the loo again. At raised voice, his mum commanded to sit and behave himself.

He sheepishly sat down but could only hold on for another station before springing up to announce that he was going to pee on the ground if not taken to the toilet immediately.

Completely annoyed, his mum threatened to give him a spank.

Needless to say, all eyes were upon them by now. How can a woman be that tough on a little child?

Unable to hold on any longer, the boy suggested, "Mummy, you open your mouth and let me shi shi (Pee/Urine) inside."

Mum said, "Don't talk nonsense, or I'll really smack you"

Boy said, "Why daddy can, I cannot!!!???!!!" She alighted at the next stop.

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Confessing Adultery

2009-05-08T15:36:00.001-07:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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Honey, I Found Your Ball

2009-05-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

I am Gonna Get ...

2007-11-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

With Tarazan

2006-12-06T06:17:00.001-08:00

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Anybody Seen?

2006-08-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the alter boys stood up.....

Teaching A Buncha Hooligans

2006-08-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Obsessions

2006-08-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

Shot 3 Times

2006-08-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Chinese Detective

2006-08-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he recieved this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.

Foul Mouths

2006-08-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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2006-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

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